The Week That Was-Edition 14

The Week That Was

It has been ages since I wrote anything and I have been lying low for a while. The reason for it is no rocket science, asking me to write “The Week That Was” with no internet connection is like asking Usian Bolt to run 400metres wearing a Lungi and tying his arms behind the back, it’s a tough ask indeed. Not only that, loads of things I used to write repeatedly have had a complete overhaul, the hostel food for example, the weapons of mass of destruction i.e. the parottas have been scrapped from the menu and now it is replaced by amazing Maggi Noodles. So is there anything Ifthi can write apart from moaning about the hostel food or about some other useless stuff? Well I think I can, so I started working as a freelance writer these days and people have hired me to write things like apology letters and flirty love letters. I had enough of freelancing, so I thought I should bore a majority of people instead of boring one at a time and as a result you are reading thisJ.

The police in Mexico were trying to arrest a gang of smugglers at their backyard but the plan got backfired because of a parrot. The parrot betrayed the police by shouting “Run, run the cat is coming” when they surrounded the place. The bird was obviously a pet of the gang and had been given sufficient training, so the gang escaped. The police got pissed because of this and they didn’t want to return to the station empty handed, so they arrested the bird instead. Cops everywhere are really stupid, take the case of Kashmir, the army men have shot many women and children during the riots and this in-turn aggravates a lot of people and thus we have unrest in the region for more than 3decades. Whilst I am no James Bond in detecting terror, I would definitely know for sure that a 14 year old lad with a Cricket bat is certainly not a terrorist and I wouldn’t blow the head of a 56 year old granny either. If you really want some shooting practice, you could do it harmlessly like we did by shooting balloons or shooting at the picture of Vijay. There lies the solution; the world should be ruled by people with an MBA degree and every problem in the world can be solved within 2minutes.

My proposed solution for the Kashmir border issue is, we should call the MBAs from both the nations and ask them to calculate the border using Linear Programming or some Approximation method. They would spend 2hours calculating the initial basic feasible solution and would agree unanimously to reject the entire issue when they think about the opportunity cost of using the money in buying shares and compounding it. Thus all the Kashmiris would turn into stock brokers consoling each other when the market takes a nose dive instead of pelting stones at military vehicles. As far as the lunatic army men who shoot old ladies, they should be punished severely because they humiliate the entire nation in front of the world. I would punish them by giving two options: “Either you should take 1kg of Chilli powder and shove it up your nostrils/eyes or you should download a 2MB file from the Wifi at campus”. If they refuse to do it, their head should be blown in public just like they did to the innocent women.

Thanks to Mr. Suresh Kalmadi who proved to the entire world that we are a nation of 1billion people who are not capable of building few decent stadiums all because of his greed. You know something is wrong when someone is spending Rs. 28000 crores for conducting a Games event. In my opinion Common Wealth is conducted to boost the private wealth of few millionaires and who on earth needs to see few thin lads from Africa running around in circles? Here is a perfect example of grapevine gone wrong and how not to begin a conversation. I said “Hey pretty girl” to a midget and it went around saying to anyone and everyone it meets saying “Ifthi said I look gorgeous, Ifthi said I am fabulous, Ifthi said I am awesome blah blah”. I know I have a bad taste but certainly not to the extent of fantasising over a midget, now how would I use the same communication channel to say “you actually look like Bugs Bunny”? That rabbit from Looney tunes talks a lot and is highly irritating at times. I do love Scooby doo and Tom & Jerry and if I ever get a chance to work with MGM studios I would create an episode were Tom beats the hell out of Jerry just for a laugh.

The Week That Was, well what a journey it was in the past one year and it has been an amazing roller coaster ride with loads of fun. I love writing for Atulya so much that I became obsessed with writing; so far it has been so good. I obviously would love to write in each and every edition of Atulya, but I certainly don’t want to cheat the readers of it by not giving any news. Whilst I don’t write anything informative, majority of the information I try to quote are something which you probably would have never read (this week being an exception). Caution: Don’t try to imitate the way I write, its highly injurious to Mind Body and Atulya. I would try to write as and when I possibly can, till then I would see you when(ever I possibly can) I see you.